How to care for your author: a guide

Note: this blog is purely satirical. Ownership of authors is frowned upon as they may bite.

So you want an author and aren’t sure whether you’re ready? You want to make an informed decision before diving in? Well, here’s everything you need to know about caring for your author.

Authors make for fine pets but require special care and handling to ensure both they and you retain optimal health and happiness.

Small things such as diet and environment can have a drastic impact on the well-being of your author, so let’s get started.

Homing your author

Authors are timid by nature and sensitive to harsh light. You should ensure your author has a dark, comfortable space in which to reside. They often spend long periods of time in a single position, usually hunched over a keyboard, so it is imperative that they be able to sit comfortably.

Authors are sensitive to loud noises, often prefering a quiet environment, but sometimes playing soft, classical music can be soothing to the author. Under certain circumstances and dependent on the nature of your author, it may be suitable to play the most recent rock, pop or country hits at a reasonable volume.

Temperature can also impact the author quite severely. It is advised that a reverse cycle air conditioner and/or fans or heaters be made readily available, along with humidifiers and dehumidifiers.

Lastly, the author requires extensive stimulation and entertainment. Ensure they have a strong, reliable internet connection, a good quality computer with your author’s preferred writing software, ample pens, notepads, scraps of paper, old receipts and blank sheets, random research materials, a dictionary, and enough pens to supply a small nation (most of which have been lost behind the medley of book shelves lining the walls).

Authors also require means for procrastination. Ensure they have multiple social media accounts and memberships on multiple writers pages within which they can share updates on their works, and always keep a pile of dirty dishes by the sink should they be desperate for a way to escape the compulsion to work.

Feeding your author

How often should you feed your author? If you’re wondering this you need to stop. Immediately. Your life may well be in danger. Feed your author immediately. Authors require constant food availability. If you have no food on hand, provide your author with their favourite caffeinated beverages right now and go buy some food. Cookies, candy and cake are the safest options.

Now go, before you become your author’s next meal.

Socialising your author

Authors are not social by nature, but it is advised that you provide them opportunities to attend pop culture conventions and writing events and activities so they can spend time with others of their kind. D&D tournaments are also advised.

Exercising your author

Not all authors require exercise. Each author is different. Learn the behaviours and preferences of your author and adjust your routine to match. Whatever you do, do not refuse them the exercise they require or they may become irritable and begin researching corpse disposal.

If your author requires medical care

Authors dislike doctors. You may need to bribe or trick your author into accepting medical care. Candy, pop culture event tickets, pretty stationary and food in general are all good bribes.

In an emergency it may be appropriate to call an ambulance or physically force your author into a vehicle and take them to the hospital. Do only in extreme cases lest you lose their trust.

As I’ve said, authors make for wonderful pets, and with the right care you and they will be very happy. Enjoy your time with your new author and all the adventures you’re sure to have.

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